Photo Credit Taylor J Mace
Recently I attended Woodhull, a conference that seeks to advocate for putting sexual freedom into practice at policy, professional, and personal levels. While there, I had the chance to partake in parties, and at one of them, I tried something amazing. Spanking, impact play, call it what you want, it called to me. It instantly became a part of my life, a need. I feel compelled to try and convey this wonderful experience, to put to words, and give it permanence. While my beautiful bruises may fade, this will stay forever.
CW: Discussion Of Consensual Kink Throughout Post
CW: Images Of Bruised Butt Near End Of Post
First Strike
I was very enthusiastic for my first spanking, but I worried, “What if I don’t enjoy this?” I wanted this to be something I enjoyed, I lusted after the beautiful bruises, and enjoy pain greatly. As I bent over the bed and lifted my skirt though, I felt instantly like I was in the right place. I was no longer making the decisions. All I had to do was lie there and wait. Taylor, my Dominant for the weekend, swung the lightest of hits, barely tapping my butt. And instantly I knew I needed more. “harder please,” two words that would define me through this experience. With each increasing strike, I enjoyed it even more.
Nothing But Purest Pain
And then a hit, that left me aware of one thing: pain. I could breathe and nothing else. After a moment to bring myself back, I asked “harder please.” Each successive hit took me further from reality, as I
became nothing but purest pain. The audience faded, the bed fell away, and I was nothing but pain. It was divine. A hit, and my mind took flight from my body. I wasn’t aware of anything except pain. Pain that radiated throughout my entire body, again and again. Each hit felt like my limit, but after a few breaths, I knew I could do more. I wanted more. And more I got. The amount of pain I could take surprised and intrigued my Dominant. They were curious as to how I could handle it. To me though, it was as simple as breathing. When pain became too much, and at times it did, I let it slide away on my breath. I focused my everything on that pain and my breath. And slowly it faded. Each breath giving me the strength to take more. Inhaling pain, and exhaling calm and tranquility. Until finally I could utter those two words, “harder please.” And then came something else.
Sub Space
As I returned from a hit, I came back different. I had reached a point which some call sub space, others use the term little space. “Little space” is a term used describe a state of mind where one feels younger and less adult. They are a child. They are innocent and pure. Easily pleased, simpler activities excite them. “Sub space,” a similar term, focuses more on a feeling of pliancy and malleability. One is nothing without their dominant. Direction and command, they need these to do anything. And I had just slipped into it.
Photo Credit Taylor J Mace
Suddenly, I was nothing, I was not my own. Instead I was theirs. I belonged solely to my Dominant and was theirs to do with as they pleased. I knew two phrases, “harder please” and “hold.” My entire vocabulary. And that’s everything I needed because pain had become my existence. Everything went out the window. Decisions weren’t mine to make. Choices weren’t mine either. I needed no choices, as they made my decisions. I felt so little, but so safe and protected. But that’s not to say that I felt weak. I was strong, stronger than anything. Because I could take the hardest hits. And while my Dominant beat me, they also kept me safe and strong. I had no fear. Just them and me. They protected me, while beating me in such a loving way. It was amazing. As the hits rained down, I became a bottle on a vast sea, floating in a sea of pain and simplicity.
Simplest Contact
And then, an anchor. Their hand lightly pressed to my back, comforting and reassuring me. After each stroke of agony, I would feel their hand there, guiding and steadying me. Pain and relief, an alternating count of beating and balm. Their soothing hand acted as an anchor, holding me in a world where just I and they exist. It was a simple touch, but gave so much. They gave me strength to ask as always, “harder please.”
Enough
My Dominant decided I’d had enough for the night. No amount of pleading or pouting would change their mind. Their decision came not from what I wanted, but what was best for me. They wanted me
safe and sound, albeit sore and bruised. They checked in with me, making sure that I was ok. Then they made sure I made it back safely to my room. I slept like a child. In the morning I woke to find myself still in little space and happily dreamy. No worries. My Dominant guided me down to the Bloggers Lounge and made sure I ate. They told me how proud of me they were for taking such pain. They took care of me and they protected me. All through the day (and truthfully the weekend) they watched over me, as if I was a little who needed protecting at all costs. Because I was. To say that I felt safe feels like an understatement. I felt loved, part of a family, a little pretty piece of a much larger whole.
Why? (CW: Brief mention of self harm)
Beautiful Bruises
Instantly I’ve become enamored with impact play. Like a missing puzzle piece, instantly this has clicked as a part of my life. But why? I thought maybe it played to my need to hurt myself, perhaps becoming a more healthy alternative. And that partly is true. But it is in fact so much more. As I was hit, I was cared for. My Dominant’s focus was on only my well being. And around the room, whispers of, “She’s so cute” “The faces she makes as she gets hit are adorable.” I felt loved by everyone. But above all, the way my Dominant cared for and protected me has left a lasting impact on me.
Where To From Here
To put it simply, I don’t know. As much as I want to pursue this kink, it needs to be with someone I trust and in a space I trust. So, I’ll talk to people who know and have experience, and hopefully find myself a little kink circle that’s just a little bit closer to home. Until then, I’ll dream of the phenomenal beating at the hand of my Dominant.
Kate Sloan has a great post on enduring pain with relation to impact play. It can be found here
The LeatherBeaten Liquid Cane can be purchased here: Come As You Are
The Bulletproof Paddle can be purchased here: Meo
The Hockey Puck has no places that sell them unfortunately, as it is amazing
